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Questions for couples, one at a time
Seventy-five questions is a list nobody finishes. One question on the table is a conversation. Pick a deck, draw a card, and take turns answering. Either of you can pass on any card, no reason needed.
Saved for later
For the conversations that don’t start with a card
We make UnFight, an iPhone app for the moment an argument is going badly. Open it and answer one question: what would help right now? A pause, a break with a message you can send, or help finding clearer words for what you mean.
- Calm Down and the break timer are free and unlimited.
- “Say It Right” rewrites what you want to say in a brief, gentle or direct style.
- Your writing stays on your iPhone. No account, no analytics.
- Premium is optional.
How to use them so it doesn’t feel like an interview
- One question, both answer. The person who drew it goes first, then asks it back.
- Follow-ups beat new cards. “What made you think of that?” is worth more than the next question. Three cards in an evening is plenty.
- Passing is part of the game. A pass isn’t a refusal to talk; it’s “not that one, not tonight”. Save it for later if it matters.
- Listen for the answer, not for your reply. Especially in the rough-patch deck, the aim is to understand, not to defend.
- Pick your moment. A walk, a drive or washing up works better than face to face across a table at 11 p.m.
Which deck when
| Light | Date night, a long drive, when you just want to enjoy each other. |
|---|---|
| Know you again | When life has been all logistics and you’ve stopped hearing what’s going on inside. |
| Us and the future | New year, anniversary, before a big decision. |
| After a rough patch | Once things are calm. Not during an argument, and not as a way to restart one. |
| Appreciation | Any time. People underestimate how much the other person wants to hear it. |
These questions are for couples who feel safe with each other. If you’re afraid of your partner’s reaction to honest answers, a card game isn’t the right tool; a local domestic abuse helpline or a counsellor is. For a structured weekly version, see the weekly couples check-in timer.
Questions people ask
What are good questions to ask your partner?
Ones that ask about something specific and recent rather than a verdict on the relationship. “What’s taking up most of your head this month?” opens more than “Are you happy?”. The five decks here move from light to more serious.
How many questions should we do in one sitting?
Two or three. A good question should turn into ten minutes of talking. If you are racing through cards, slow down and ask a follow-up instead.
What if my partner does not want to answer one?
Let it go. Passing without explaining is part of the rules, and pushing for an answer makes the next question harder. You can save the card for another day.
Are the questions saved or shared anywhere?
No. The questions you save for later stay in this browser only, and nothing you say is recorded.
Related
- First fight after moving in together: a 7-day guideIs it normal to fight after moving in together? Usually, yes. A seven-day plan for the week after it, one tap per day, and the words for a pause.
- Build a holiday-planning conversation agendaChoose family visits, gifts, hosting or travel, then build a five-prompt discussion outline you can copy without signing up.
- Specific appreciation examples without a hidden requestPractice a specific thank-you that names what happened and its impact, while keeping any new request separate.
- How to take a break in an argument without stonewallingHow to take a break during an argument without it reading as stonewalling: three taps to the right pause, a message you can edit, and the 20-minute rule.